Look At These Fucking Cupcakes |
YOU COCKSUCKERS WANNA LEARN HOW TO MAKE THESE? SHIT WON'T BE NEARLY AS TASTY AS MINE, BUT YOU CAN GIVE IT THE OL' COLLEGE TRY WITH THIS BITCHIN' TUMBLR. BACK THE FUCK UP --- I'M JUST GIVING AWAY THESE FANTASTIC, ORGASMIC RECIPES? YOU'RE DAMN SKIPPY. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, BITCH TITS GOT A QUESTION? DON'T BE A PUSSY. ASK ME! |
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NotesHEY THERE, MY LITTLE COCKGOBBLERS. HOW YOU FUCKERS DOING? I’M FUCKING PEACHY KEEN MYSELF. BUT LET’S GET RIGHT DOWN TO BUSINESS.
I BAKED THE MOST AMAZING THING YOUR BEADY LITTLE OCULARS WILL EVER HAVE THE PLEASURE OF VIEWING. IT’S THE MOST DOOM CAKE THAT EVER WAS OR EVER WILL BE.
WHY’S THAT YOU ASK?
- IT’S HANDMADE FROM SCRATCH. YEAH. YOU HEARD THAT CORRECTLY. FUCKING. SCRATCH. THE BUTTER I NEEDED FOR THE MOUTH WATERING, FLUFFY CHOCOLATE BUTTERCREAM? HOMEMADE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I DID WITH THE BUTTERMILK? PUT IT IN THE FUCKING CAKE. I KNOW YOU’RE IMPRESSED. I USED THE REMAINING BUTTER TO LUBE UP YOUR GIRLFRIEND, BECAUSE YOU SURE AS SHIT CAN’T SATIFY HER. OR MAKE HER A FUCKING CAKE, YOU FUCKING USELESS SACK OF SHIT.
- IT’S SURROUNDED BY BROWNIES TOPPED WITH CHOCOLATE SKULLS, MOLDED BY MY BEST FRIEND AND MY SISTER— THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO AREN’T TOTAL SHITFUCKS LIKE YOU GUYS.
- THAT CORPSE PAINT? HANDPAINTED WITHOUT A STENCIL. BOW BEFORE YOUR BAKING GOD. AND WHILE YOU’RE DOWN THERE, FEEL FREE TO SUCK MY GIANT HORSE SIZED DICK, YOU SUBMISSIVE CUMDUMPSTER. AND NO HAPPY BIRTHDAY BULLSHIT, EITHER. THEIR BIRTHDAY MESSAGE (it was a double birthday) WAS “LET US CELEBRATE THE QUICKENING OF YOUR DEATHS”. AND OF COURSE THOSE ARE 666 CANDLES. WHAT THE FUCK ELSE WOULD THEY BE? JESUS CHRIST, I DON’T KNOW HOW YOUR DUMB ASS HAS SURVIVED THIS LONG WITH SO FEW BRAIN CELLS.
- LAST BUT NOT LEAST… IT BLEEDS. THAT’S RIGHT. THE CAKE BLEEDS OUT THE MUTHAFUCKIN EYES. I FEEL LIKE I DON’T EVEN NEED TO ADD ANY INSULTS AFTER THIS, BECAUSE THE FACT I BAKED A BLEEDING CAKE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL EMASCULATED ENOUGH AS IT IS.
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HOW I JUST ATE MY MAC AND CHEESE. ETIQUETTE IS FOR GAPING VAGINAS.
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stuffnjunkmose-deactivated20121 asked: You're food porn is amazing. I'm going to tumblr stalk you hard for always.
YOU’RE AMAZING! YOUR MESSAGE MADE ME DO THIS:
THAT MIGHT ALSO BE ALL THE COKE I’M ON ALL OF THE TIME.
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Notes CHICKEN PESTO GNOCCHI MOTHERFUCKERS
WELL FUCK ME TENDER. IS THAT CHICKEN PESTO GNOCCHI? FUCK YEAH IT IS, YOU DONKEY PUNCHING CUM GUZZLER. I’M GONNA BREAK THIS SHIT DOWN FOR YOU DOUCHELORDS:
- PESTO IS TASTY AS FUCK. CHICKEN IS TASTY AS FUCK. YOU BET YOUR SISSY ASS GNOCCHI IS TASTY AS FUCK. PUT IT ALL TOGETHER AND I DOUBT YOU CAN HANDLE THIS SWEET SWEET SYMPHONY OF DELICIOUS EXPLODING IN YOUR HERPES INFESTED MOUTH HOLE. YOU’RE TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY. THIS IS AN UNDENIABLE SCIENTIFIC FACT. AND WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE ARE YOU QUESTIONING SCIENCE?
- THIS SHIT’S GOT SUN DRIED FUCKING TOMATOES. THESE OIL PACKED SONS OF BITCHES ARE WHAT WOULD BE REWARDED TO YOU BY GOD HIMSELF AFTER YOU PUNCH SATAN IN HIS DICK.
- DO YOU KNOW HOW EASY THIS IS TO MAKE?! NOT EVEN YOU RECTAL MUCUS LICKING FUCK UPS COULD DICK THIS UP.
PAIR WITH:
WHAT TO LISTEN TO WHILE COOKING – THE SOUNDTRACK TO TENEBRAE, BY GOBLIN
WHAT TO WATCH WHILE EATING – DIE HARD, OR ZOMBI 2.
BONER RATING:
COMPLEXITY: 5 OUT OF 5 (YOU’LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT, KID!) – I’VE ALREADY MADE THIS POINT. THIS SHIT BE EEEEASY.
TIME NEEDED: 4 OUT OF 5 (RAGING BONER) – START TO FINISH, THIS TAKES ABOUT 2O MINUTES. LEAVES MORE TIME FOR YOU TO BONE THE LADIES YOU’LL BE IMPRESSING THE SHIT OUT OF WITH THIS RECIPE
OVERALL TASTE: 5 OUT OF 5 (YOU’LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT, KID!) – ONE OF MY PERSONAL FAVORITE RECIPES. QUICK, EASY, AND FUCKING DELICIOUS. JUST LIKE YOUR SISTER.
NOW, YOU FAT FUCKING SUMBITCHES READY TO DO SOME COOKING?
CHICKEN PESTO GNOCCHI
Ingredients
1 lb potato gnocchi
2 tablespoons olive oil
½ lb chicken breast, cut into bite sized pieces
Salt, pepper, and garlic powder to taste
8 ounces pesto (I like Classico)
¼ cup sun dried tomatoes
Fresh mozzarella (to taste— I used a .2 lb fresh mozzarella ball, sliced thin)
- Bring 2 quarts water to rolling boil. Add 1 lb potato gnocchi. Stir occasionally until done (when gnocchi starts floating to the top). Strain and put it to the side
- Heat olive oil on medium heat in a medium sized pan. Add chicken and season with salt, pepper, and garlic powder to taste.
- Cook until JUST done and turn heat to low.
- Add gnocchi to pan, then stir in pesto and sun dried tomatoes.
- Spread mozzarella pieces evenly across the top, then mix until melted.
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HELLO, MY HAIRY LITTLE NUTSACKS. AFTER A LONG DAY OF RAPING AND PILLAGING (AND BY PILLAGING, I MEAN RAPING) YOUR MOTHERS, I GET TIRED. DON’T FEEL LIKE COOKING. SO I PRESENT TO YOU TRIPLE MUSHROOM SPRING ROLLS AND PAD SEE EW.
WHAT TO WATCH: DIE HARD, OR THE WORLD’S LONGEST RUNNING SCI FI TV SHOW, DOCTOR WHO.
AND YES, THOSE ARE STAR WARS CHOPSTICKS. I CAN FEEL YOUR SEETHING JEALOUSY FROM HERE.
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Notes BUFFALO MAC AND FUCKING CHEESEHOLY SWEET FUCKING BABY JESUS RIDING A MOTHERFUCKING FLAMING VELOCIRAPTOR!
IT’S BUFFALO MAC AND CHEESE TIME.
DID I JUST SAY BUFFALO MAC AND CHEESE?
YEAH, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT BITCH-ASS. LISTEN THE FUCK UP:
- NOT ONLY DOES THIS DELICIOUS, GOD SENT RECIPE HAVE BUCKETS OF CHEESE COMING OUT THE ASS, IT’S GOT HOT SAUCE. HOT SAUCE, NUTFUCKERS! HATE HOT SAUCE? GO TO HELL. ALSO, GOD HATES YOU AND THINKS YOU’RE A TOTAL ASSHOLE. HE TOLD ME WHILE HE WAS EATING SOME OF THIS BUFFALO MAC AND CHEESE.
- LET’S FACE IT—YOUR LAME ASS DOESN’T GET ANY KIND OF ACTION OUTSIDE OF YOUR DOMINANT HAND. WANNA NAIL SOME PUSSY? MAKE A BATCH OF THIS. HER PANTIES WILL FLY RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. NOT THAT YOU’D KNOW WHAT THE SHIT TO DO WITH HER ANYWAYS, DICKHEAD.
PAIR WITH:
MUSIC TO COOK TO - BLACK FLAG, “DAMAGED” AND FUGAZI, “REPEATER”
WHAT TO WATCH WHILE YOU STUFF YOUR FAT FACE - DIE HARD, OR THE MACK
BONER RATING:
COMPLEXITY: 3 OUT OF 5 (IT’S A TENT PITCH)- IF YOU JERK OFFS CAN’T MAKE A RUE, THIS SHIT MIGHT NOT BE EASY.
TIME NEEDED: 3 OUT OF 5 (IT’S A TENT PITCH)- IT’S NOT THE QUICKEST OF RECIPES, BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO TAKE FOREVER EITHER.
OVERALL TASTE: 4 OUT OF 5 (RAGING HARD ON)- NEXT TIME I MAKE IT, I’M ADDING MORE HOT SAUCE. I CAN MAKE A FEW ADJUSTMENTS, BUT STILL.. THIS SHIT IS SO DELICIOUS, IT’LL MAKE YOU PUNCH YOUR OWN GRANDMOTHER.
NOW, YOU FAT FUCKING SUMBITCHES READY TO DO SOME COOKING?
Buffalo mac and cheese
Pasta:
1 lb pasta (I PREFER ELBOWS, AS IT’S THE SUPERIOR MACARONI SHAPE. CHOSE SPIRALS AND I’LL HUNT YOUR DUMBASS DONE AND KICK YOU IN YOUR NON-FUNCTIONING PENIS)
4 cups milk
Cheese sauce:
4 tablespoons butter
4 tablespoons flour
1 cup room temperature milk (plus another ½ cup to 1 cup to taste)
4 cups shredded cheese of your choice (I USED 2 CUPS SHARP/MILD CHEDDAR MIX AND 2 CUPS SIX CHEESE ITALIAN BLEND)
¾ cup hot sauce (I USED ¾ CUP TEXAS PETE’S HOT SAUCE AND TWO TABLESPOONS SRIRACHA. IF YOU’RE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL PUSSY, YOU CAN CUT IT DOWN TO TASTE)
½ tablespoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon chili powder (BECAUSE I’M A MILLION TIMES COOLER THAN YOU’LL EVER BE, I USED A CARAMELIZED ONION ANCHO CHILI POWDER GIVEN TO ME BY A FRIEND)
Topping:
Crumbled blue cheese (around half a cup)
1 cup panko bread crumbs
2 tablespoons melted butter
I LIKE TO SNACK ON SHIT WHILE I COOK. TODAY I CHOSE POPCORN CHICKEN.
I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF POPPLERS FROM FUTURAMA, AND LORD KNOWS I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF EATING BABIES.
STEP ONE – COOK THE PASTA
1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
2. Cook pasta and milk together in a large pot until it simmers. Don’t let it boil. Once it simmers, reduce to low and cook for 20 or so minutes until macaroni is tender. Continuously stir. Just about all the milk should have cooked off. Put off to the side.
STEP TWO – MAKE THE CHEESE SAUCE
3. Make a white rue. Start by melting the butter in a medium sauce pan on low. Once the bubbling dies down a little, start adding the flour little by little. Continuously stir. Don’t let it burn.
4. Begin to add the milk slow, continuously stirring until it begins to thicken. Once it thickens, it’s time to add the cheese.
5. Begin to add cheese slowly, continuously mixing. If it thickens too much, add some milk. I ended up adding about an extra cup of milk by the end to get it the consistency and taste I liked since it was such a large batch of sauce.
6. After all the cheese has been combined, add the hot sauce. Stir to combine.
7. Add garlic powder and chili powder.
STEP THREE – COMBIIIIINE
8. Add macaroni and cheese sauce together in a baking pan. I prefer to use a 9x13 pyrex dish. Stir until fully mixed and all macaroni is covered.
9. Top with crumbled blue cheese to taste. I used about ¾ of a cup.
Melt the butter. Mix together with the panko bread crumbs.
10. Cover the top evenly with butter/panko mix
STEP FOUR – TOSS THAT SHIT IN THE OVEN
11. Cook for about 30 minutes, or until cheese bubbles and the panko is crispy
12. Let it sit for about 10 minutes, then enjoy.
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Notes WELCOME, DICKMUNCHERS.I’M GONNA BREAK THIS SHIT DOWN FOR ALL OF YOU, SO PUT THE PORN DOWN FOR A MINUTE AND LISTEN THE FUCK UP.
THIS IS A FOOD BLOG, BUT THIS ISN’T YOUR FATASS MOTHER’S FOOD BLOG, OR AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT SHE TOLD ME AFTER I INDIANA BONED HER TEMPLE OF POON LAST NIGHT. I’M GONNA POST MY OWN RECIPES, RATE OTHER PEOPLE’S RECIPES, AND PAIR THEM WITH STUFF AND JUNK.
HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE—
PAIR RECIPES?!
FUCK YEAH. AND I’M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT WITH BOOZE AND SHIT. THAT’S OLD, BORING, AND DONE TO DEATH (AGAIN, MUCH LIKE YOUR MOTHER). WE’RE TALKING ALBUMS TO LISTEN TO WHILE COOKING, MOVIES TO WATCH WHILE EATING, AND THAT AIN’T ALL.
HOW AM I GOING TO RATE THIS SHIT, YOU ASK?
BONERS, OBVIOUSLY.
WE’RE TALKING A SCALE OF 1 - 5 HARDNESS FOR COMPLEXITY OF RECIPE, TASTE, AND TIME NEEDED.
HAVE A RECIPE OR IDEA FOR ME TO TRY? A PAIRING YOU WANT TO SUGGEST? HEAD OVER HERE AND SUBMIT. FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER. WANT ME TO MAKE SOMETHING? PIN IT TO MY BOARD!
SO PREPARE YOURSELVES, MY LITTLE CRAPCRACKERS. THE AWESOME IS NIGH!
