HOLY SWEET FUCKING BABY JESUS RIDING A MOTHERFUCKING FLAMING VELOCIRAPTOR!
IT’S BUFFALO MAC AND CHEESE TIME.
DID I JUST SAY BUFFALO MAC AND CHEESE?
YEAH, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT BITCH-ASS. LISTEN THE FUCK UP:
- NOT ONLY DOES THIS DELICIOUS, GOD SENT RECIPE HAVE BUCKETS OF CHEESE COMING OUT THE ASS, IT’S GOT HOT SAUCE. HOT SAUCE, NUTFUCKERS! HATE HOT SAUCE? GO TO HELL. ALSO, GOD HATES YOU AND THINKS YOU’RE A TOTAL ASSHOLE. HE TOLD ME WHILE HE WAS EATING SOME OF THIS BUFFALO MAC AND CHEESE.
- LET’S FACE IT—YOUR LAME ASS DOESN’T GET ANY KIND OF ACTION OUTSIDE OF YOUR DOMINANT HAND. WANNA NAIL SOME PUSSY? MAKE A BATCH OF THIS. HER PANTIES WILL FLY RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. NOT THAT YOU’D KNOW WHAT THE SHIT TO DO WITH HER ANYWAYS, DICKHEAD.
MUSIC TO COOK TO - BLACK FLAG, “DAMAGED” AND FUGAZI, “REPEATER”
WHAT TO WATCH WHILE YOU STUFF YOUR FAT FACE - DIE HARD, OR THE MACK
COMPLEXITY: 3 OUT OF 5 (IT’S A TENT PITCH)- IF YOU JERK OFFS CAN’T MAKE A RUE, THIS SHIT MIGHT NOT BE EASY.
TIME NEEDED: 3 OUT OF 5 (IT’S A TENT PITCH)- IT’S NOT THE QUICKEST OF RECIPES, BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO TAKE FOREVER EITHER.
OVERALL TASTE: 4 OUT OF 5 (RAGING HARD ON)- NEXT TIME I MAKE IT, I’M ADDING MORE HOT SAUCE. I CAN MAKE A FEW ADJUSTMENTS, BUT STILL.. THIS SHIT IS SO DELICIOUS, IT’LL MAKE YOU PUNCH YOUR OWN GRANDMOTHER.
NOW, YOU FAT FUCKING SUMBITCHES READY TO DO SOME COOKING?
Buffalo mac and cheese
1 lb pasta (I PREFER ELBOWS, AS IT’S THE SUPERIOR MACARONI SHAPE. CHOSE SPIRALS AND I’LL HUNT YOUR DUMBASS DONE AND KICK YOU IN YOUR NON-FUNCTIONING PENIS)
4 cups milk
4 tablespoons butter
4 tablespoons flour
1 cup room temperature milk (plus another ½ cup to 1 cup to taste)
4 cups shredded cheese of your choice (I USED 2 CUPS SHARP/MILD CHEDDAR MIX AND 2 CUPS SIX CHEESE ITALIAN BLEND)
¾ cup hot sauce (I USED ¾ CUP TEXAS PETE’S HOT SAUCE AND TWO TABLESPOONS SRIRACHA. IF YOU’RE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL PUSSY, YOU CAN CUT IT DOWN TO TASTE)
½ tablespoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon chili powder (BECAUSE I’M A MILLION TIMES COOLER THAN YOU’LL EVER BE, I USED A CARAMELIZED ONION ANCHO CHILI POWDER GIVEN TO ME BY A FRIEND)
Crumbled blue cheese (around half a cup)
1 cup panko bread crumbs
2 tablespoons melted butter
I LIKE TO SNACK ON SHIT WHILE I COOK. TODAY I CHOSE POPCORN CHICKEN.
I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF POPPLERS FROM FUTURAMA, AND LORD KNOWS I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF EATING BABIES.
STEP ONE – COOK THE PASTA
1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
2. Cook pasta and milk together in a large pot until it simmers. Don’t let it boil. Once it simmers, reduce to low and cook for 20 or so minutes until macaroni is tender. Continuously stir. Just about all the milk should have cooked off. Put off to the side.
STEP TWO – MAKE THE CHEESE SAUCE
3. Make a white rue. Start by melting the butter in a medium sauce pan on low. Once the bubbling dies down a little, start adding the flour little by little. Continuously stir. Don’t let it burn.
4. Begin to add the milk slow, continuously stirring until it begins to thicken. Once it thickens, it’s time to add the cheese.
5. Begin to add cheese slowly, continuously mixing. If it thickens too much, add some milk. I ended up adding about an extra cup of milk by the end to get it the consistency and taste I liked since it was such a large batch of sauce.
6. After all the cheese has been combined, add the hot sauce. Stir to combine.
7. Add garlic powder and chili powder.
STEP THREE – COMBIIIIINE
8. Add macaroni and cheese sauce together in a baking pan. I prefer to use a 9x13 pyrex dish. Stir until fully mixed and all macaroni is covered.
9. Top with crumbled blue cheese to taste. I used about ¾ of a cup.
Melt the butter. Mix together with the panko bread crumbs.
10. Cover the top evenly with butter/panko mix
STEP FOUR – TOSS THAT SHIT IN THE OVEN
11. Cook for about 30 minutes, or until cheese bubbles and the panko is crispy
12. Let it sit for about 10 minutes, then enjoy.